Songs that make me cry. . .

1) Lead Me by Sanctus Real

I don't know why I identify so much with this song since I am not a husband or father. I guess it is because the chorus really describes my own desires to be loved and led.

Listen to it HERE.

2) Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:16-17 (NIV)

Unfortunately, the times I realize my need and desire for God the most have been the times when I am at rock bottom. Why I sin until I get to this point baffles me. These times, however, are also my most sincere and earnest prayers. Better than most of my hallelujahs, sadly.

Listen to it HERE.

UGH

Trying to find something new is hard.
and expensive.
and heart wrenching.
Maybe I should just make another easy choice.
I don't really want to though.
But first I have to write those papers >:(
This isn't a poem.

My Spring Break. . .

I really like ellipses (. . .)

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. . .

If I fail out of college, it will be because I procrastinate these two research papers. . .

I have done nothing over spring break. Once I went for a walk, went to a movie, cleaned the entire kitchen, and had a picnic, but really I haven't done anything productive I need to do, like work on those stupid papers. . .

Just thought you would like to know!

I don't understand it all. . .

Tonight I fell to my face on my bedroom floor
And found myself in the throne room of God.
I am wicked and evil, shame is upon me once again.
I am dirty inside. I am unclean. I am nothing.
Yet here I am standing before the One who is everything.
You are everything that is lovely and true and praiseworthy.
Everything I am not, the antithesis of me.
Yet here I am.
I do not deserve to be here. I didn’t come here on my own.
I was called here.
The God of the Universe does not need me.
He is perfect, lacking nothing.
Yet here I am, standing before Him, trying to hide out of shame.
I don’t want to be here exactly;
I want to cover up my vileness, not have it exposed.
Why am I here?
This doesn’t make sense.
I am wanted?
Impossible. Simply ludicrous. Are you insane?
Could it be? Really?
I am wanted?
I didn’t do anything to be wanted.
I did everything that would make me undesirable.
Yet here I am and I have not been struck down, although I deserve much worse.
What?
I am wanted? I am loved? I am forgiven? You aren’t giving up on me?
How?
Where did all of my dirt and filth go? Why am I not wearing my shame?
The only explanation:
Grace.
Undeserved, freely given.
Jesus loves me.

Hello, let me unload all that is on my mind on you!

So instead of some kind of introduction, my first post will be a rant. . .

I HATE COLLEGE! I cannot get any work done. I am so lazy. I have two research papers to write. One I haven't even got a topic for. The other has a rough draft due March 30th and I have only read one chapter of one book and I have six more books to read. Plus both of these papers are required to be longer than anything I have ever written! 12 pages? How am I supposed to say that much? I hate writing papers! There isn't really any other kind of work in these classes except tests and papers. But those two classes are my favorites! The others are terrible! They are completely boring and pointless. I could read the book, never go to a class, and know everything that the professor is going to say in class. Especially in Education and Technology. The unoriginality and lameness kills me inside. I don't really want to stay here after this semester. I would really like to move down the street to UCA, but then I would have to worry about where I would live because I wouldn't want to live in the dorms there and I don't really want to live at home and any other option would require me to get a job.

What I would really like to do is take a semester off. I am kind of one semester ahead because of the classes I took in high school, so it wouldn't put me off schedule. But then I would have to start paying off my student loans I had to take out because I was too stupid and proud to apply for the Arkansas Challenge Scholarship because I just knew I was going to get the Governor's Scholarship. So I would have to get a job and I haven't really had much luck finding one of those so far. But, oh, what I would give to run far away and work in a orphanage and teach them about Jesus and hold the babies that no one else will hold.

But even if I ever get to do that, it will be in the future and I am currently in the present which requires me to read books about the internment of Japanese-Americans during WWII and find a topic for Introduction to Fiction which will require even more reading. And it's frustrating because I know once I actually get into doing the paper, I will somewhat enjoy it despite the pain and stress and afterward it will make me feel accomplished that I wrote such a paper.

So now I feel a little less stressed just because I got that all out.

Tonight I went to a study through the book "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy DeMoss a dear lady in my church is leading. Two main things stuck with me: 1. Even though you may not believe a certain lie, such as God is not always good, you may act like you do which means you really do believe it in your heart. 2. You may believe one thing today, but tomorrow you might forget that is the truth. The latter is particularly applicable to my life right now. You see, my boyfriend and I are taking a three and a half month break to evaluate whether or not we should be together. And I know that this is the right thing to do, except sometimes I forget that and I want the situation to be different. I know that I should trust God that in the end we will make the right decision, except sometimes I forget that and I freak myself out trying to figure out what in the world I am supposed to do. I know that I am supposed to be using this time to pray, study God's Word, and learn to completely trust Him for all I need, except sometimes I forget that and I end up stressed and distraught because I can't make everything perfect in my life. I know that God loves me and that whatever happens will bring Him glory and be best for me even if it is not what I planned, except sometimes I forget that and I want what I know and what is safe even if it is not God's will for me.

So I need to do a lot less forgetting and a lot more trusting the Truth I know.